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Friday night, I did nothing. I came home and passed out, on accident though! I tried waiting up for someone to talk to them, but I fell asleep. I found out some things that night, well I kinda figured but not as many as 5. That disgusts me! He said it was a couple or a few, but I still can't handle it. I can't do it anymore. And Saturday morning I texted him the deal, but then he called and I missed it and went to check my voicemail at work and my phone died. Came home and got ready to go out to eat, but I definitely didn't leave til 7:30, and I got my phone when I left and had another voicemail. But I was pissed and didnt want to call him back, to get in a bad mood. I was mad about the fact of what I heard and I wasn't gonna see you, and I thought I was gonna be alone AGAIN. I hate the fact on how I seem so dependent on a guy being there, or maybe that's just how I think I am from the way I used to be. Like last summer, I was a lil pimp for awhile. It was so hard for me to get feelings for someone, and once someone gets my heart its so hard for me to get it back! I wish I could go back to the way I was, but for some reason I still think you'll care if I do stuff with other people. I've just turned into one of those stupid girls, the ones who stay there and do anythign for them, and everyone knows he doesn't want you. But yea, anyway, we went back to alicia's for a lil bit, then carlee and I went to her house to stay there, and Carlos beeped us back after our 13 voicemails lol. Someone stupid wanted us to sneak out, even though they coulda seen us earlier! I fell asleep around 1, im guessing and woke up at 12. Got damn, I can't believe I slept that long, and my mom said to be home at 12, so i left when I got up. Came back here, and someone's mad at me cuz I never called um back. Can we just let everything go and not be mad at each other for once? I'm gonna try this thing once again, and see how it turns it.:-/ I wish someone was there to help me through it, but they're not. I gotta get my check up on May 3rd from the doctor, OMG I'm scared. I wish I could find out sooner, and if I am Idk what I'm gonna do. I wish you'd be there for me. Today's 3 months :-/...Oh yea, by the way to everyone, carlos did not eat me out!
~I hate the fact that everyone's moving on, but me. Are you willing to help me, and take my hand?~
~She fakes a smile as she persists her hips into his~
~She whispers that she loves him, but he's probably only waiting for sex~
How many days is it?
I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love for you to love me!
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This week has been GAY, and I want to look forward to something that's gonn happen but there really isn't anything to look forward to! This weel all I know is I'm goin to Olive Garden with Alciia n Carlee and then goin to Alicia's and de and rajaughn are supposed to go, and carlos told me he wasn't gonna go. I mean it would be okay if it was all the girls, but its not. It's everybody's somebody, but mine, so thast just MAKES me think about him. Who am I supposed to have? UHHHHH. I won't even get to see um this weekend im guessing, and I have no plans for tonight.:-/ I ended up crying last night, big surprise, I bet you were thinking wow what an idiot, here we go again, but I figured if i told you why you would think I was stupid for that, too. I just wish we could go back to before anything, all the fuckin drama. To when you actually talked to me. Then you were sittin there talkin to him on the phone, and i was there listening and you it was just so easily for you to say whatever to him, it hurt so bad. Why don't you want that with me anymore? I hate when I say something and all someone says is oh, or just like uh huh yea. Then someone called me twice last night, but I think he only did cuz I was mad, but I ignored his calls, cuz I was pissed n trying to sleep anyways. But you can make time and call her, go ahead. I think you two did stuff. It seems like she's making it obvious. I have to work today, and I fucking hate going there now, everytime I do I get so pissed off for some reason. I hate how whenever I used to be mad I could always talk to you and you would make everything better. Now it just makes worse. And now Ken has Jennifer closing before he even asked me which really pissed me off, cuz I've been workin there a year in may, and I just think its fucked up. And then today I heard you were talking to ~her~. UHHHHH I don't know anything, so why dont you tell me!!! I'm so sick of life right now, and it seems like for everyone else it just keeps getting better!
You can't complain you was dealt this
hell of a hand without a man, feelin helpless
Because there's too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless
While tears, is rollin down your cheeks
Ya steady hopin things don't all down this week
Cause if it did, you couldn't take it...
I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So here I am
I'm trying
So here I am
Are you ready
Come on let me hold you
Touch you
Feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights
I hate them
Lets start this again for real
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Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
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Yesterday nothing much happened. I was supposed to go to the track meet with Amber, and it didn't start til 4 so I decided to take a long over due nap. I was frickin hot though and she called me around 4, and said she was with Miles and asked if we were still going, and I said no cuz I just wanted to go with her. Like before it seemed like we were getting close and hanging out more, but not anymore. And I told her that, she seems to always be with Miles now. That's what I did and I lost everybody, and someone told me today how they had no friends but theyre b/f, and they break up, so what do you have left when you guys are through? Just make sure not to forget your friends. So she asked to hang out today, but I felt like she was doing it out of sympathy for me, and I know how she hates when people are mad at her. I guess if she wants to hang out then she'll have to ask me now. Then a little bit later carlos called, and I STILL hadn't fallen asleep and he said he was about to take a nap in his COLD, basement so i asked if i could come over and sleep, but I couldn't. I hate when Im so tired and I still can't sleep. Maybe I'll take a nap today. Today was stupid, and I didn't get to wear my skirt like I wanted to, cuz it was white and so was my shirt, and it was definitly raining out, not a good combination. There's a lot of drama going on, and I'm trying to ignore it. I'm trying to get ahold of someone, but can't, so Im kinda just thinking I wont talk to um again. I don't know whats goin on for the weekend, cept Olive Garden, and I don't know whats goin on with us. I can't wait to see what you have to say to me about something.:-/ I wish everyone could get along. But I g2g
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I haven't written in here for awhile, cuz I've just been busy or don't even know how I feel. I'm really confused. But first I'll talk about my weekend. Friday I got paid, yay! That's all I was looking forward to that day, so today I used my money and kinda went summer shopping. That can make me feel better sometimes. But yea my phone died that day, and I got a voicemail from marquis saying to call him but he definitely didn't leave a number, and I didn't want to call Kendra and ask where he was cuz I woulda felt mean. So I sat at home, and for some reason I ended up crying, which most not have been a good reason cuz I don't even remember why, but Amber came and got me. I LOVE MY MAMBER! When I called her she was at Miles and I just hung up on her like that cuz I didn't want her to have to feel like she had to be there for me if she was busy. I don't know, I just don't want to lose her cuz she's always there for me. Miles is a lucky guy to have her. Oh yea, I remember why I was crying, cuz of some bullshit I didn't mean to even get in. I thought I was slick saying how I saw something the day I was over at his house on Wednesday and I asked who it was from and he said Rashad, and duh, I know thats some bullshit. So i hung up, then left a voicemail saying I DID, know who it was from just to try and make him tell me himself, but it didn't work the way I planned. He called back later that night, and said yea so I talked to that person who did it to him and said how she told you about it and I was just like are u serious, and he said yea so i started talkin about it and then he says oh, I never really talked to them, I just thought she woulda told you. I got so pissed!!! And so now thats all fucked up. Saturday I worked til 4, came home n got ready cuz Carlee, alicia, rajaughn, mike, carlos, and I were all supposed to go to the movies. I went up there with carlee and alicia and we had to find them in the movie theater. I got mad cuz he wouldnt sit with me, but how about you do more things to piss me off cuz it just makes it easier for me to NOT talk to you? We all went back to alicia's but carlee had to go home at 12, so I took her there. Then we had some alone time, but right after that he left. Which was kinda gay I didn't want it to just end like that. And he did something that I'm really pissed about that I told him NOT to do. The next morning someone was supposed to come at 10 but there bitch ass wouldnt wake up til 11:30, so I got home then n started to get ready even though I was still tired. Marquis said he wanted to see me that day, so i thought i was gonna see him soon, but he was busy skating so I was BORED, so alicia, carlee, and I decided to go on a picnic. lol. I felt like a loser! Then we drove around and I wasted gas. After I dropped them off I went to Amber's little softball game for a lil bit. And finally Marquis was done, and I went to see him. I was nervous, and I didn't think I would know how to act at first, but I'm glad I got to see him. I actually talked to him, not like I used to. So then I went home at 10, and went to bed. Someone called me, woke me up,and said "why didn't u call me all fuckin day", I said "umm why didn't you call me?" they just said w/e, I said fine, and he said bye and I hung up. Keep making this easier for me, okay. So many things that happened or you did this weekend, pissed me off and makes me REALLY think. But then I'm confused about everything else, and I don't know what I got myself into with this one person, or did I even get myself into anything? I don't know how they feel. And I'm not even sure I want a relationship, or what the fuck I want. I don't want to get hurt like i did before. I just wish I could be certain about someone like I used to be...
What did I get myself into?
If only I could say it a thousand times, the words I hate you, then maybe, just maybe I could believe it to be true. But everynight before I go to sleep, I always seem to think about you.
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Thursday, April 14th, 2005
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OMG I'm so stressed up and Im not exactly sure why. All's I know is today I've been so pissed off in along time and I wanted to kill everyone at my work, well not Dan and Mike. They came in and made me a little better, until all they kept saying was shit about Carlos, and I don't need to think about him more than I already do. Today in 4th hour I got pissed and Mr. Weiss was a dickhead cuz people talked to me so I answered them. Then later on I hear shit about these other girls, and that always pisses me off. I hate getting jealous so easily!!! And I was late at work by 10 minutes, and my boss got on my nerves right when I got there. He tells me what to do when he doesn't do SHIT. And then they kept saying comments about how alls I like is black guys and I hate them cuz theyre white and stupid ass shit. I think everything just all came at once. All's I thought about was gettin online and talking to someone to make me feel better:-/ That was weird of me to think that. But yea, that didn't work either.
Now I don't know what to think. Its up to you if you want to make it better.
Am I allowed to feel this way? It feels so weird. I keep pushing away though. Im so confused
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Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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Yea, So some of today was good and some was bad. Up until 4th hour it was alright, I got in trouble in 4th hour today since everyone in the back of the room talks, and today Mr. Weiss decided to pick me out and have me stay after class. Troy said something about how I was a slut, and I got pissed so I said yea thats why I didn't let you get any or something like that. Cuz I'm loud and I was mad that's when I got in trouble. I had to call my mom and after calling like 5 number I finally got ahold of her. And she made him move me to the front of the room. GREAT. I'm not gonna be able to talk to anyone now. And that's even better when she said I won't get my car back until I straighten up, yep I bet that's helping!!!>:O Then in 6th hour Corey tried talking to me, and he asked what was wrong with me and he knew why. And he was like you actually believe that, and I was like well I dont even talk to you how do I know you didn't say that about me, and he was just like w/e your just like all the rest of the people in PH. Wow, how things change so much. I used to be able to tell him everything and now most of the time when we talk we argue. But after school, Erika was supposed to get in a fight and we waited there for like 5 minutes and then started walking to Lay's cuz thats where she parks her and right by the stop sign I saw Kari and I was like she's right there. So Kari just stops her car in the street and gets out, and I thought she was about to hit her but then she says something about hit me first and neither of them would hit each other first, so that was squashed. But then I went to get my hair done. I didn't get something new like I wanted to because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted, and I NEED to be sure. Afterwards I went to Carlos's and that was great, and now I'm back here. I'm glad he wrote me back but it really did help me understand things and how he felt about everything, since he doesn't like to tell me, or anyone. But thank you for putting things into perspective. Well, now I gotta do homework, and hopefully work out.
Not gonna let it get me anymore, I know the truth.
Do you feel it too?
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leave a message on your phone
just to find out you're not home
keeping up with you is something i could never do
and i know something's wrong
cause you've been gone too long
a fucking waste of my time is all that you've become
if i can't be the girl that you've always wanted me to be
if i can't say the words that you always wanted me to say
if i fall in the end, will you be holding on to me?
because you, you said you'd never leave me
the choice is up to you
to find out what to do
to let it go or keep kicking me to the side
i'm getting tired of your shit
and i can't deal with it
i gave up giving in, and now it's time to say goodbye
if i can't be the girl that you've always wanted me to be
if i can't say the words that you always wanted me to say
if i fall in the end, will you be holding on to me?
because you, you said you'd never leave me
stay with me...
if i can't be the guy that you've always wanted me to be
if i can't say the words that you always wanted me to say
if i fall in the end, will you be holding on to me?
because you, you said you'd never leave
you, you said you'd never leave
you, you said you'd never leave me
I'm so fucking frusturated!!!! I need a car! I need to go to the tanners, and to the store for school shit and a lot of other crap. And tomorrow I need to go to get my phone fixed, get my tax return money cashed, go to the soccer game, and want to tan. Then wednesday I get my hair done after school, and how am I supposed to get there? I only have 55 dollars right now, and my hair is 60. I NEED my money from my taxes! And this weekend I'm gonna need my car cuz I want to see someone, and someone asked to take me out:-/ I'm not too sure about that one yet. And she wont take me anywhere either. I FUCKING HATE THIS BULLSHIT!!! And I'm taking it out on other people. Someone needs to come fix my car for me.
~wish I could take back all the words I said~
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So I come home from school after Amber drops me off from school. And I was goin to start up my car so I can go to the tanners, and yep it definitely won't start. I dont want to be white again! And I don't know anythign about cars, so I don't know how to fix it, even though Freddie told me how to open the hood. haha. Yea so i called and said what'd you do to my car and she said how she made it so it wouldn't work and I said well I need it for work, and she said well I forwarned you and remember you don't need me? She said I don't get it back until I "straighten up". Well how is she going to know when I straighten up when we don't even talk to each other? And I don't want to talk to her. She's trying to make my life miserable. Yea, this is gonna really make me wish she would leave me the fuck alone more. Yea, so I wrote Carlos a 3 page letter today cuz I didn't feel like talking to him last night, or probably getting into an arguement. I still had things to say but school was ending, so yea. And I write really small. Everything in the letter is scattered all over the place, just cuz thats how my thoughts are. I told him what my "new beginning" meant, and he should understand that. I think he thought it meant something else though. I gotta get my life together, and Im starting to. I'm making new friends or getting the old ones I have back, and thankful that they still wanted me. You can't depend on someone to make you happy. The only person I can depend on is myself, cuz it seems like no one is gonna always be there. I hope he gets everything I was trying to say, but it might seem a bit confusing. I HOPE he writes me back, and actually tells me how he feels about it all. Which is something he doesn't do. And when Im about to leave, then he tells me he cares...Uhhh I'm still lost but getting some priorities straight.
Lie to me, give me something worth living for, tell me a reason for fight for, give me anything, anything to keep me breathing
Take this broken heart and make it right. I thought you should know your not making this easy.
I'll fall asleep tonight cuz that brings me closer to you.
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| Time: | 1:20 pm. |
| Mood: |  lonely. |
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So lately things haven't been going too well in life, but oh well, things will get better eventually. I got cought sneaking outta the house the other night and now I can't drive my car. I don't know how long that's gonna last for, cuz I definitely need to get to work. I was outside of my house in the cold locked out for an hour until Carlos finally came and got me. But I didn't complain to someone about their the reason I got cought but w.e. Last night I stayed at Alicia's with Carlee, Rajaughn, and Deshila, and yea I felt kinda lonely but I guess I have to get used to that. In the summer I used to have guys trying to get with me a lot and now no one does...:-/ I want someone to care for me. I hate being a hopeless romantic. I feel like I'm gonna be waiting for someone for forever! I've just been thinking a lot lately. How people have changed:-/ It's messed up how you told me about how I was getting played and everything but then you go and do it to me. W/e I don't need to talk about that. Anyways, Marquis is coming up here on Thursday til Monday, and I hope I get to see him. Last time he was here I didn't get to cuz I worked the whole weekend. It might be a little weird, at least for me anyways, and I won't know how to act at first. It's so nice out today, Im supposed to go play basketball. I haven't played in like 2 years. I miss all the sports I play, or actually be part of something. I want to learn how to play tennis, or just be on something when Im a senior next year. But Im gonna go.
I remember how you said she only cared about herself and never asked how you were, but that's just how you are now and you don't seem to see it.
I just wish you could see what your doing to yourself, and what's gonna happen in time.
~There's always something holdin me back~
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Yup I'm definitely pissed. Here goes...so my mom comes into my room to give me to tax returns while im sitting here on my computer looking for hotels and then she says theres gonna be new rules and im not paying attention and she said you can't be on the phone past 11, or it's going to be taken away. You should be sleeping then and your going to have a curfew thats 10 on week nights and 12 on the weekends, and i didnt say shit cuz i wasnt listening really and she left but then i went downstairs and was like r u trying to say i cant go to parties now and she says it seems that way. I was like why, what if i leave at before 12 and she said then u'll have to be home by 12. cuz the other night i left for a party at 12 15 and your not supposed to drive past then but w.e. and i was like omg it was down the street. and she said she doesnt like the direction my life is going n im missing too much school n flunking classes.I was like in first hour i have an A cuz ive missed 12 days for that class and i thought i was getting an E in adv. algebra but we got prgress reports for that class today n everyone got them if they had a D or lower and i didnt get one. so i was like wow, i get good grades and if i stay up late on the weekend i still get up n go to work in the morning dont i? cuz im an opener now. and i said i can do what i want, im almost 18 and she said yea 18. and she said she tried giving me freedom but she cant trust me n blahhhhhh and then i said yea n u fucked shit up. I can be friends with whoever i want. and she said yea n u are friends with him. You need to wake up n realize he's just using you and only calls u when he wants something. i said well i wont be able to live with u, and she was like where r u gonna live. and I said well i was gonna live with erika before, and she said if i moved out she would take my car n phone. I WANT TO STAB HER IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW! It seems like I can handle my life just fine with the way things are going. Why is she gonna do this when she should know it's just going to make things worse? I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm not scared of her or scared to be grounded. And she said if I sneak out she's going to take my car. Does she just want to make our relationship worse than it is? WTF. And if this is going to happen then I'm probably going to end up getting into trouble. Sometimes parents are so stupid. I talked to Erika, and she said I'd be able to stay there and I gotta talk to other people. I'm thinking of what to do. Maybe just stay from place to place and came home while she's at work. IF YOU GOT A SPARE COUCH LET ME KNOW:-/ Erika said how she could revoke my liscense though cuz I'm still 17. That's some bullshit, just cuz she's my parent. I was worse in the summer, and now she decides to do something about it. Wow, I've gone to two parties, yup, I'm OUTTA CONTROL! Watch out kids, I'll corrupt you! UHHHHH I NEED TO GO PUNCH SOMETHING. Leave something if you have advice
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Anyway, my computer keeps being STUPID, and i did update this and then it froze, and it keeps fucking up. So I'm gonna make this short cuz I'm getting annoyed. Today was alright. I had to work til 9, but whatever. I LOVED how beautiful it was outside. I wish I was out there and I hope it's like that tomorrow cuz I have work off! I'm looking forward to tomorrow n hope I don't get ditched or anything.:-/ I didn't go to bed til 2:30 last night, but I didn't even get tired til like 2. I was a secretive detective last night, and accomplished my mission. LOL.;-) But yea, then I talked to Carlos until 2:30, and went to bed easily FINALL! I really TALKED to him. Which I'm thankful for cuz I was starting to think it was never going to happen again. I hope it heads in this direction. I just want to be best friends again. I don't really think that's too much to ask. I guess we'll see, but I gotta stay strong. The only downfall of the day was I woke up late at 6:30, but somehow I was still ready at teh same time I always am, so I guess maybe that's good cuz I got more sleep, and IM SO TIRED. I get to sleep tomorrow! I thought tomorrow we have half days, but we don't which Im pissed about. Stupid MEAPS! UHHH, Im gonna do so bad. I'll prolly fall asleep on the test. I guess that's all for now.
Sittin, Waitin, Wishin...
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Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
And in loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing the fool?
I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you
I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your cards
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I have no place to read?
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing the fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool
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I just got done runnin and I'm sweaty n gross. Last night i was so tired, n tried going to bed at 9, but didn't end up falling asleep until like 1. But yea, my day started out shitty, since I forgot about setting the clocks forward so I woke up at 9, and had to be to work at 9:30. I was like 15 minutes late, and in a bad mood. But we got everything done at like 12 o clock. So we all basically did nothing, except talked. Which did help. Then everyone started comin n and we were actin retarded, well at least I was, and I was in a better mood. So thank u LC! lol, and I usually hate being there. I guess it just depends who's there. But yea I was tryin to figure out how much money I needed for all my trips, and my hair, and clothes and everything, and it adds up to 850 dollars. Then I called my mom, yep actually talked to her, and asked when we were going to Florida. She said "you mean when I'm going to Florida?", And she said how i haven't talked to her in weeks, and i've missed too much school N i told her how you could just call the school and tell them we're going on vacation, but she said we'll discuss this later or some bullshit. Well, if I don't go I sure as hell not gonna stay with my dad. Then when I got home, someone asked me for pizza n to go get pizza for them n bring it back for them. It just pissed me off, cuz I was up there an hour ago, and they weren't even gonna go with me. And I dont even talk to one of them, and the other I barely talk to anymore n seems like he doesn't care. Why can't I just get this right? I have so much I want to say n talk about but I just can't get it out! Like I'm scared to say things. Or of the things he says back are gonna be mean or hurtful.
~I wish you cared half as much as I do~
~One day I'll walk away and say you Fucking disappoint me~
...someday
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Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
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| Time: | 8:22 pm. |
| Mood: | depressed. |
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Fuck it, I'm back. I got a lot of shit on my mind. I was doing so good lately, not letting you see me hurt, not letting you see me cry. Actually not crying at all. I thought I was doing better til today. How do you go from being best friends, to almost nothing? Like you can't even hold a conversation over the phone for over 5 minutes. I used to be able to tell you everything, and I thought it was the same for you, too. It seems like I always lose my best friends for some reason or another, and I just feel like no one cares anymore. What do you do when the person who did care, doesnt anymore? Who do you tell it to? No one is there now. It seems like I gave up so much, for something that I don't even have anymore. I lost a best friend, who I don't even think gives a fuck about me anymore. Yea, we don't every once in a while, but I can tell were not gonna be best friends again. She has her boyfriend, and another best friend now. Amber is my only exception, but now that she's with Miles I feel like I'm gonna lose her, too. I haven't even talked to her in the past two days and I know she's spending all weekend with him. And then him, I just wish he could show me he cared. Anything, anything at all. I mean, yea I he might have told me sometimes that he cares, but when are the actions there? Like I thought when he asked for my keys cuz I was gonna be drinking and he didn't want me to drive. I thought okay, maybe he does care about me. Then someone makes a comment, oh he prolly did it just so he could drive your car. He's always out doing something at night with someone, and I guess I'm not cool enough to be with them. I just wish someone cared for me as much as I cared for them. Sometimes though, even after not talking for awhile I still think about them and care about them. Like with Marty, I don't know. I guess it's that he's never lead me wrong. I didn't talk to him for over 6 months, and I still thought about him and cared for him. I just wish his life was better. And I can't do anything to help him. Maybe I get too attached to people. I just dont know...Do I really deserve this?
What would You do if your friend was crying on the phone?
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Last night I went to Norianna's. Thankful to get outta the house. After Norianna's house, it was horrible. I've never been so scared in my life. Well, I don't remember anyways. I just wish none of this shit ever happened, and it would all go away. I wish that someone would just believe me! I finally got home at 4 somethin and I couldn't sleep on top of that cuz I had shit on my mind. I had to get up at 8:15, and be to work at 9:30. Which I didn't really care about, but Jennifer and I had to make dough, but were idiots and we couldn't fix the burkel, so we had to wait til Ken got there, and really had nothign to do. Then after that I clogged up the tiolet, lol. And the plunger decideded to be GAY, and not work, so Ken made me us a wooden pole, and unclog it. LOL. But yea, I was let down again. I shouldn't set myself up like that. I didn't get a phone call like I was supposed to, and I got my hopes up for nothing. It's funny how one little thing that happens in a day can bring you down and my the rest of your day bad. How one person can seem to control all your emotions, and how your day turns out. I don't know what I'm doing today, I might go to sleep.
When your best friend stops caring, who are you supposed to tell everything to? Who do you run to for help? All's I know is that I miss you, and I want you back...
"They're all hoes...and we're just chicken heads who run after them"-Nori
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| Time: | 6:30 am. |
| Mood: |  confused. |
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I can't sleep. I just woke up at 6, and cant fall back asleep. I got off the phone with Carlos, and I still think he's pissed. I don't know what to do about something, or at least what to believe. Someone, I was talking to last night was telling me how Carlos was just using me and so much shit. I mean I've heard it from other people before, but maybe it was cuz it was his friend this time. Then on top of that I was talkin to rajaughn too, and said how i was bored, he said call carlos, n i said no hes busy, then he says he's just gonna call u tonight to fuck. Yea, that really makes things better. I would understand that Carlos would be mad if I thought he was using me, and I said idk about it. But he never knew how I felt about it in the first place, til this shit came up. I have days where I think he is, I just keep them to myself, because I know it wont do me any good. It's not really like he tells me how he feels about me or anything to reassure me that he's not. I thought things were starting to get better between us, but it looks like I fucked things up again. Idk what to do.
~I'll hold my breath for this plunge~
I'm not letting go til you tell me to
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Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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It was another nice day out, and I had to work. I hope it's that nice out tomorrow cuz I have work off. I'll prolly end up being a fuckin loser though and doing nothin. Today I just feel like crap, and wish everyday would die. I want to go on vacation, but thats not happening soon. Im supposed to go to Florida with my mom but I dont see how thats gonna happen when I cant even stand being in the same room as her. Then on that cruise with Amber, and London in may, and Amy and I decided were going to Cedar Point in the end of June. So i have to save up a lot of money. I got a lot of hours next week. Its hard to get good pay when you work at a pizza place. Nothing exciting happened today. Im supposed to go to a party tonight but I dont even feel like it :-/
Its simple, you get outta a relationship what you put into it. If you dont care anymore, then I dont either. If you dont call anymore, then I wont either. And thats how it is...
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Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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The past two days have been pretty fun. I still think the rest of spring break is gonna be fucking stupid though. There's never anything to do in Port Huron. I was supposed to go skating yesterday with Amber and her old boyfriend Jimmy, but he never went or called us back, and I really wanted to go cuz I haven't in like 3 years. But oh well I guess. I still had fun anyway. And I got to eat Olive Garden!!! yay. After we were done eating, I went and got Carlos to go see Ring Two, which is not a good movie, but anyway, surprise surprise, I saw a bullshitter there. That's all Im going to say. Your stuck, and you should just stop trying to tell me bullshit, okay. I was really surprised about something I heard last night, and it made me feel a lot better then usual. I never would have expected it I guess. Today I have to work, this week I got 5 days. Yup he kept giving me 3, until spring break of course. >:o But i really do need money. All I have right now is 12 til Friday. I gotta go work out now.
...I love you
How am I supposed to move on, if you just a liar?
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| Time: | 12:33 am. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. |
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In your eyes, you were the one that tried
tears run down my face just like the last
no different from yesterday
sick from the mirror
do these prayers feel sincere
the dirt never washes clear
you were good, so good
i grew to love your lies
until i put you in the past
love was lust until he revealed
the man behund the mask
will the scars go away
in this world i have no place
forgive me Jesus this time i cry
i rip my heart outto give to you
alone it never did me any good
hold me close, wash my mind
destroy the me that lives inside
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I keep telling myself things can turn around with time
And if I wait it out you could always change your mind
Like a fairy tale where it works out in the end
Can I close my eyes have you lying here again
Then I come back down
Then I fade back in
Then I realize its just what might have been.
Am I a shadow on your wall
Am I anything at all
Anything to you
Am I a secret that you keep
Do you dream of me while your sleeping
Some day I just keep pretending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had
You dont see me, you dont feel me like I feel you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd sure hate to break down here
Nothin up ahead or in the rear-view mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere, knowin
I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rollin
God help me keep me movin somehow
Don't let me start wishin I was with him now
I've made it this far without crying a single tear
I'd sure hate to break down here....
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Saturday, March 26th, 2005
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~*Another quizzie
Name: Erin
Gender: female
Age: 17
Birthday: 12/11/87
Height: 5'1
Hair color: Golden blonde
Eye color: hazel
Race: white
Is your hair long or short: medium length
Repping: Little caesars BITCH
Zodiac Sign: sagitarius
How many languages do you know: english,and the spanish that i remember
Nationality: i dont know
Piercings you have: my belly and my ears 7 times
Piercings you want: idk right now
Tattoos you have: none right now
Tattoos you want: 2 or 3
Today's date: 3/26/05
The time: 11:00
» S C H O O L «
Are you still in school: yeah
Did you drop out: nope
Favorite grade: umm prolly 8th
Least favorite grade: um high school
Favorite teacher: mrs. doyle right now
Least favorite teacher: idk
Favorite subject: psychology
Least favorite subject: math
Do/did you buy lunch or bring it: buy it now
Play any sports on the school's team: not Im a quitter
Are/were you popular: Idk
Most humiliating moment: I have a lot, and run into things
>> F A V O R I T E «
Number: 14
Clothing brand: Dont have one
Shoes: skating shoes
Saying: chea, blat, fuck
Tv Show: dont really watch tv
Sport: to play, i guess volleyball, to watch basketball
Vegetable: corn
Fruit: green apples
Movie: ghost, cruel intentions, love and basketball, thirteen, and the notebook.
Magazine: idk
Candy: idk
Gum: green apple extra
Scent: AXE!
Ice cream flavor: chocolate chip cookie dough
Color: baby blue
Season: SUMMER!!!!
Holiday: I guess christmas
Type of music: depends on my mood
Thing in your room: my bed
Place to be: anywhere with my friends or my room or anywhere with him<3
Radio station: dont have one
Tv channel: MTV
Junk food: ?
Overall food: CHEESE! italian food
Shoe brand: um just skating shoes
Fast food: mcdonalds and taco bell
Restaurant: olive garden and red lobster
Shape: star
Time of day: night
Country: USA
State: Arizona
Boys name:?
Girls name: ?
Mall: Ive only been to lakeside and birchwood
Car: something fast
Words: i love you
Month: summer months
Disney character: i dont know?
Scary movie: i dont know, the jason ones
» T H I S OR T H A T «
Rock or rap: depends on my mood but probably rap.
Rock or pop: rock
Rock or r&b: r&b
Rap or pop: rap
Rap or r&b: both
Rap or metal: rap
Pop or r&b: r&b
Pop or metal: pop
r&b or metal: r&b
Selena or J.Lo: either?
Hot or cold: hot
Winter or summer: SUMMER
Spring or fall: spring
Shakira or Britney: neither
MTV or VH1: MTV
Football or basketball: basketball
Skiing or snowboarding: snowboarding
Rollerblading or skateboarding: skateboarding
Black or white: ?
Orange or red: red
Yellow or green: green
purple or pink: pruple
Inside or outside: if its hot, outside
Weed or alcohol: alcohol
Cell phone or pager: cell phone
Powerpuff Girls or Charlie's Angels: neither
Scooby doo or dino: neither
Tattoos or piercinqs: piercings
Coke or pepsi:pepsi
Flowers or candy: flowers
Tall or short: i like being short, but i like dating taller people.. so i dont know what your asking.
» H A V E / W O U L D Y O U E V E R . . «
Pictured your crush naked?: chea!
Actually seen your crush naked: yeah
Been in love: yeah
Cried when someone died: yeah
Drank alcohol: yeah
Lied: yeah
Eat shit for $1,000,000: yup
30 Seconds for retirement? yea
Steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: yeah but not intentionally
Lie to the police: yeah
Run from the police: yeah
Lie to your parents: yeah
Walk up to a stranger and kiss them: nope
Walk out of a restaurant without paying: yeah
Flashed someone: no
Told the person you liked how you felt: yeah
Gone to jail or juvi: nope
Stolen anything: yeah
Wanted to kick my ass for making this so long: nope
Kicked someone's ass: nope
Broke a beer bottle: nope
Gotten into a bar, under-aged: nope
Kissed someone of the same sex: yeah
Gone on a road trip: not yet
Gone on vacation without adult supervision: not yet
Been to a concert: nope
Been to another country: yeah
Talked back to an adult: yeah
Got pulled over: nope
Got in a car accident: yeah
Broke a law: yeah
Given money to a homeless person: nope
Tried to kill yourself: no comment
Cried to get out of trouble: nope
Kissed a friend's brother or sister: nope
Kissed a brother or sister's friend: nope
Dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways?: haha yea
» P R I V A T E «
Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: nope
Do you have a crush: yeah
Do you love anyone right now: yeah, of course.
Have you ever been in love: yeah
How many hearts have you broken: i dont know
How many people broke your heart: 2...
Best quote to sum up love: complicated
So what is your bf/gf/crush like: unique
Do you have a picture of him/her: Yup
Please post it if you do: uhhh no.
Do you have a picture of yourself: yeah
Please post it if you do: uhhh no.
Do you go by looks or personality: looks at first, but personality is more important
Ever kiss a friend: yeah
Are you still friends: yeah
So moving along..do you smoke: nope
Do you smoke weed: nope but i have before.
Crack, heroin, anything else: nope
Beer good or beer bad: good
Are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: i will but no.
Do you like smirnoff ice: yeah
Prefer beer or liquor: liquor
What kind of cigarettes do you smoke: i dont smoke
Are you a virgin: no
If no, when was the last time you got some: idk
» Y O U R F R I E N D S «
Best friend: Amber
Known longest: Amber
Wish you talked to more: Corey, Marty, everyone I miss
Wish you saw more: Marty, corey
How many friends do you think you have: i dont know, i dont count.
Who drives you insane after a while: No one
Who can you stay around forever and never qet sick of: Amber n marty
Ever lose a good friend because you took it to the 'next level: yeah
Craziest: Carlos
Loudest: Me
Shyest: i dont think any of them are.
Best hair: idk
Can always make you laugh: umm it was carlos
Best eyes: carlos
Best body: carlos
Most athletic: carlos
Most impatient: corey
Shortest: carlee
Tallest: ummm idk there all taller then me
Talented: depends
Best singer: none
Skinniest: erika
Nicest: ummm idk
Best personality: dont sure right now
Biggest drug user: corey n marty
Makes you smile: a lot of them
Gives you a funny feeling when you see them: carlos
» Y E S OR N O «
Are you a vegetarian: nope
Do you like cows: sure
Are you a bitch: sometimes
Are you artistic: not really
Do you write poetry: yeah just havent ina while..
Are you a fast runner: yea
Can you ski: havent tried
Are you british: nope
Are you straight: yeah
Are you stupid, insane, and another physically handicapped: nope
Are you fat: nope
Are you short: yeah
Are you tall: nope
Do you own a hot pink shirt: yeah
How about orange pants?: nope
Are you evil: nope
Did you ever touch someone else's private parts: chea!
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lilhimalaya14's journal
scared.
lost.
aggravated.
content.
frustrated.
hopeful.